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Page For Senior Citizens

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Miyazaki, centenarian sprinter

Nagaoka, centenarian swimmer

Let's face it, whatever your age, you will still want to know how old people think you are. Well, find a recent photo of yourself in your computer and from the photo alone this site will tell you how old you APPEAR to be. Have fun!

Feel like listening to all those evergreens and oldies that you grew up with? And go nostalgic with singers such as Johnny Mathis, Engelbert Humperdinck, Cliff Richard, the Everly Brothers, Jim Reeves, Perry Como, John Denver, Pat Boone, Nat King Cole, Connie Francis, Dean Martin, Doris Day, Paul Anka, Harry Belafonte, Andy Williams, the Bee Gees, Tom Jones, the Platters, Connie Francis, Neil Sedaka, Johnny Cash, Dusty Springfield, Ella Fitzgerald, the Platters, Matt Monroe and of course Elvis Presley and the Beatles? Then this page is just for you! Evergreens and oldies.

Bringing back the good old days

Want some more? Part 1  |  Part 2

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don't care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers (1918-2002), pen name of Chicago Sun-Times advice columnist Ruth Crowley

A joke that only the elderly can understand!

Why I hope to die at 75

(Ezekiel J. Emanuel in "The Atlantic", September 17, 2014)

Seventy-five. Thatís how long I want to live: 75 years.
This preference drives my daughters crazy. It drives my brothers crazy. My loving friends think I am crazy. They think that I canít mean what I say; that I havenít thought clearly about this, because there is so much in the world to see and do. To convince me of my errors, they enumerate the myriad people I know who are over 75 and doing quite well. They are certain that as I get closer to 75, I will push the desired age back to 80, then 85, maybe even 90.  More...

Ezekiel J. Emanuel at his desk at the University of Pennsylvania.

PSA does not diagnose cancer. A man with a low PSA can have cancer, yet most men with high PSAs do not. A high PSA can be caused by many other things besides cancer, among them infections, sex, sitting for long periods... More...

Felicity Kendalís right Ė our sixties are swinging (By Hilary Boyd)

Felicity Kendal (above photo)

I remember the dreaded moment. It was the day after my 60th birthday when the sudden realisation that I was now a senior citizen struck me like a blow.
Obviously, Iíd known that 60 was approaching Ė senility isnít the issue here Ė but I hadnít, until that second, understood that from now on I was, in the eyes of the world, officially designated an old person, a pensioner. How on earth did that happen, I asked myself. They must have got it wrong, be talking about someone else.  More...

Foods To Avoid

Who needs anything that's going to clog our arteries, raise our blood pressure or cause us even more restless sleep? Here are five foods that the experts say midlifers would do well to steer clear of.
Read more.

Have fun losing your memory!

More on: senior moment | brain fart | Rogaine | E.D.

Dancing your blues away

88 years old and still dancing like mad!

Old men are smarter than you think!

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good at the result.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay....How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't" she says.
"I was behind you at McDonalds."

The impossible puzzle

A little, silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a very difficult jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. When he arrives, the old lady shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." Then he takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." and he says this with a deep sigh...
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Poor soul, caught in a vicious circle!

(Photo on right) You can't run away from your age but you don't have to live your age!

Things are not always what they appear to be

An old couple both of whom are in their seventies are having dinner at a restaurant when the husband leans over and asks his wife, "Honey, do you remember the very first time we had sex together some fifty years ago? We went out of this same restaurant to the fence over there and you leaned against the fence in the backyard and I made love to you."
"Oh, yes," she says, "how could I forget that."
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll over to the fence there again and we can do it just for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you dirty old man, that sounds like a very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next table listening to all this, and he smiled to himself and says, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk along very slowly, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the fence in the backyard of the restaurant.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. Then she leans against the fence. The policeman was astounded to see them making love in a very dynamic and energetic way as if they were only 20 years old and panting and shaking like mad.
After one full minute they were still at it.
The policeman couldn't believe his eyes. This goes on for another minute before both of them finally collapse on the ground together, panting out loud.
The policeman is amazed. But he waits to see what is going to happen next.
After 5 minutes of lying on the ground motionless, the old couple get up and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, "Ah! this is truly amazing. I've got to ask the man what his secret is." As the couple passes by, he says to the man, "Excuse me, sir, but that was fantastic. How did you do it? Did you take Viagra or something like that?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago THAT was not an ELECTRIC fence!"

When an 80-year-old is no better off than a baby

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "I don't get it at all! You said you pee every morning at 6 without fail and poop every morning at 6.30. So what's the problem?"
"But I only wake up at 7 every morning," said the octogenarian.

Keith Paterson, born in 1931 and webmaster of Silverhairs (a website for senior citizens) with a T-shirt that shows that the elderly DO have a sense of humour.

When a woman should never accept a man's proposal of marriage!

An old fellow fell in love with a lady. He got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her. She replied, "OK." He said, "Will you marry me?" She replied, "Yes," then asked what his second question was. He replied, "Will you help me up?"

Please don't let me die, I need to water the plants.

Of all the reasons for wanting to stay alive this one beats them all! Paul Gascoigne, the former England international footballer, appeared on Daybreak on Monday morning, and says he is feeling "good" after a stint at the Cottonwood clinic near Tuscon, Arizona, and is "quite excited (for) what the future holds".
Gascoigne, 45, was reportedly drinking two litres of gin and 15 cans of Stella Artois a day, as well as taking up to 30 antidepressant Valium pills and injecting cocaine as his life spiralled out of control.
"I went to the treatment centre, and they tried to detox us, and they couldn't, so they rushed us to hospital, and that's where it got quite serious," explained Gascoigne.
"I just remember the guy saying to the doctor in the treatment centre, 'I don't think this guy's going to make it', and obviously I put my head up a little bit, and I had tubes all over my arms and body, and getting injected, and I said, please don't let me die, I need to water the plants.
"The plants were more important than me. The plants passed away and I survived."  More...

First-hand account of a near-death experience

Cancer-patient Anita Moorjani was at the terminal stage when she fell into a coma.
I thought that I was drifting in and out of consciousness during this time, because I was aware of everything that was going on around me. But it was confirmed to me later by my family and the doctors that I was in a coma the whole time. I saw and heard the conversations between my husband and the doctors taking place outside my room, about 40 feet away down a hallway. I was later able to verify this conversation to my shocked husband. Then I actually "crossed over" to another dimension, where I was engulfed in a total feeling of love.
She has written the whole story in a book called "Dying To Be Me". Go here for more.

See what this 80-year-old lady can do!

Ah, those romantic old days when we were young!

An elderly couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

  Don't mess with the old guys (Thanks to K. Paterson for sharing)  

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth.
Dr. Young: Aaagh! This is gasoline!
Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.
Dr. Geezer: Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.
Dr Young: Oh no you don't, that is gasoline!
Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500.
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: My eyesight has become weak - I can hardly see!
Dr. Geezer: Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back.
Dr. Young: But this is only $500...
Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.

Moral of story - Just because you're "young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "geezer"!

Getting senile...and out of touch with reality

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a brothel. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!" (Contributed by Dan)